COMMUNICATIONS MISHAPS TO AVOID

Everyday we rely on our abilities to communicate with others. For the most part, we do just fine making our way through our daily routines. Yet, as soon as we need to speak with the people most important to us (our spouses, children, relatives, coworkers), the communication skills seem to break down. This normal phenomenon occurs due to having a long, intimate history with those special others. Along with that history comes a strong anticipation of certain behaviors and response patterns. It appears as though others train us how to talk to them. For instance, I have heard many mothers tell me, unless they yell, they will not be heard. Another example is when one spouse avoids bringing up an important topic because the last time it was discussed it did not go well. Avoidance of the discussion may create short-term satisfaction by not having to deal with it, but this comes at a severe cost. In the long run, there will be a buildup of anxiety and resentment which will spill out unproductively.

Here are a few communication follies to avoid during conflict discussions:

1. Conflict discussions usually end how they begin. If you start aggressively, it will likely become defensive and unproductive. If you begin softly, you should end up with a different result.

2. Leave history and expectations behind. Pretend it is a brand new moment. Have confidence in your ability to negotiate for your needs and believe the other truly cares about your concerns.

3. Stop thinking of your response to what the other is saying and concentrate on listening and understanding fully the other’s point of view.

4. If your emotions are too intense during the discussion, rather than continuing to allow it to escalate, take a time out. Intense emotions prevent us from utilizing our problem solving skills.