Caught
in the Middle: Protecting the Children
of High-Conflict Divorce, Carla B. Garrity and Mitchell A. Baris. New York:
Lexington Books, 1994.
“For children, divorce is not a one-time event but a
continuous process. Over time, it shapes and reshapes their lives and
perceptions of the world.” 12
“The ongoing conflict between their parents is a
constant reminder to the children that their right to be loved and cared for by
both parents has been irretrievably compromised.” 20
“As adults, these children typically experience
problems with intimate relationships, conflict resolution, and self-identity.
Growing up without a model for loving relationships between men and women,
children of high-conflict divorce are frequently unable to maintain their own
marriages successfully. Not having learned the skills of communicating,
cooperating, and resolving disputes, they lack problem-solving strategies and
tools for handling conflict in an intimate relationship. . . . These children
often face hard struggles in defining their own identity.” 27
“Children’s psychological adjustment is very directly
affected by the amount and intensity of adult anger they experience. The more
severe the conflict, the greater the effect.” 41
Children and Divorce: What to
Expect—How to Help, Archibald D. Hart. Dallas: Word Publishing, 1982, 1989.
“The anger and resentment between the
parents, which is so prevalent in most divorces, creates intense fear in the
child.” 28
“The damage to a child’s self-esteem
during a divorce usually comes not so much from the loss of united parents and a
single home as from the indignities caused by other people’s reactions, the
legal process, and the way the child is battered emotionally. When children are
treated like pieces of property to be bartered, when their feelings and wishes
are ignored, when they are used as hostages in a parent’s effort to gain
material advantages in a settlement, or when they are used as weapons to satisfy
an urge for revenge against the other spouse, you have a situation that has the
potential to do a great deal of harm to the way a child values himself or
herself.” 108
Divorce
Wars: Interventions with Families in Conflict,
Elizabeth M. Ellis. Baltimore: Port City Press, 2000.
“Although active quarrelling predicted poor outcomes
in children, active fighting between parents combined with a lack of warmth
toward each other and a lack of concern for family members tripled the rate of
juvenile delinquency in these children.” 42
“Ongoing postdivorce conflict reinforces the child’s
belief that bad things will continue to happen to him or her in the future and
that he or she is helpless to do anything about it.” 197
Good Parenting Through Your
Divorce, Mary Ellen Hannibal. New York: Marlow and Company, 2002.
“Divorce causes tremendous loyalty
issues in kids; they feel very uncomfortable about acting as a go-between. When
you fight you put your child in an impossible position. . . . To put it simply,
you and your co-parent may hurl pain at each other but the person you are
hitting most squarely is your child.” 37-38
“Conflict essentially stops kids in
their tracks—they are less free to go about the business of being a kid, meeting
the developmental tasks that are essential to forming a healthy self.” 58
Growing
Up with Divorce: Helping Your Child
Avoid Immediate and Later Emotional Problems, Neil Kalter. New York:
Fawcett Columbine, 1990.
“Conflict between parents is one of the most serious
stressors a child encounters during the immediate crisis of parental divorce.”
12
“A major stressor for children in the long-range
phase of the divorce process is continued interparental hostility.” 17
“Parental warfare is perhaps the most damaging
environmental source of stress that can undermine their successful adaptation to
divorce. . . . However, it is not only sadness and anger that can burden early
elementary school children whose parents are embroiled in an anger-filled,
bitter divorce. . . . [T]hese children are also prone to developing depressive
reactions. . . .” 225
Helping
Children Cope with Divorce, Edward Teyber.
San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1992.
“Children are
more likely to develop personality and behavioral problems in unhappy, unloving
families in which the parents fight continually than in any other kind of family
situation.” 19
“Parents must realize how much
children suffer when they are embroiled in parental battles and take steps to
manage their anger responsibly, shield children from parental conflicts, and
work cooperatively in [each] child’s best interest.” 80
“Parental cooperation, or at least the absence of
overt conflict, is essential for children’s secure adjustment.” 81
In the
Best Interest of the Child: How to
Protect Your Child from the Pain of Your Divorce, Stanton E. Samenow. New
York: Crown Publishers, 2002.
“Having lost the family as a unit, children are
apprehensive about the future. . . . [S]ome youngsters feel they have lost any
semblance of control over their lives. . . . A school counselor described a
youngster in her divorce group as ‘feeling like a human guinea pig.’ . . . Their
fear and sense of powerlessness are heightened when children witness scenes in
which their parents are at each other’s throats.” 19-21
Parenting After Divorce: A Guide to
Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children’s Needs, Philip M. Stahl.
Atascadero, California: Impact Publishers, Inc., 2000.
“Statistics suggest that about twenty percent of the
parents who separate and divorce will have very high conflict for many years
after the divorce. The courts can’t help these folks, but a commitment to their
children can.” 3
“Conflicts between parents are likely to cause [in
children]:
Tension, anxiety, and regression
Feelings of confusion and
embarrassment
Feelings of responsibility and
self-blame
Withdrawal or clinging behavior at
transitions
Long-term emotional and behavioral
wounds
Feelings of disillusionment, fear,
insecurity, or vulnerability
Temper tantrums, school problems, or self-destructive
behaviors.” 25
Renegotiating Family
Relationships: Divorce, Child Custody, and Mediation, Robert E. Emery. New
York: The Guilford Press, 1994.
“Some children do side with one parent or the other
following a separation or divorce. In other families, loyalties are so deeply
divided that different children end up allying with a different parent. However,
from the children’s perspective, the biggest problem often is not choosing the
right side but having to choose at all.
This is especially true in
acrimonious divorces. . . . Empirical evidence consistently points to parental
conflict as the factor that most consistently predicts maladjustment among
children whose parents have separated or divorced (Amato & Keith, 1991b; Emery,
1982, 1988; Grych & Fincham, 1990). Clinical experience and recent research
(Buchanan, Maccoby, & Dornbusch, 1991) indicate that a particular problem is
when children feel caught in the middle of a custody dispute. Most children do
not want to be forced to take sides with one parent against the other, and as
fervently as they may wish for a reconciliation, children’s foremost desire
often is for their parents to stop all of their fighting.” 13
The
Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go
of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce, Elizabeth S. Thayer and Jeffrey
Zimmerman. Oakland, California: New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2001.
“It may be hard to remember this, but children’s
needs intensify during a divorce. They feel the stress and they experience the
conflict. Their lives are turned upside down. They didn’t ask for the divorce,
but they’re subjected to seeing the two people they love most engaged in a
bloodless but at times bitter and devastating battle.” 2
What
About the Kids?, Judith S.
Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. New York: Hyperion, 2003.
“High
conflict between parents not only causes children immense suffering, it causes
serious problems in their development. They soon have the sense that they cannot
trust any adults.” 204
“Studies show that a child who is ordered into going
back and forth between two homes occupied by intensely angry adults feels safe
nowhere.” 206
“Children caught in the flames of a
high-conflict divorce have been referred to as ‘children of Armageddon’—victims
of the final war on earth. They are true casualties. Parents trapped in mutual
anger often become heedless of anything else.” 213-214
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